Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
