I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
