I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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