I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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