why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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