I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize