I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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