That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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