I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
