hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
