Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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