I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
