The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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