Screwed.edu
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
