It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
