my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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