Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
