She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
