I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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