I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Send help, water and tortillas.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
