Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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