did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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