I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
