You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
my liver is dry heaving
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
