wanna go halves on a baby?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
