I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
