Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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