when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
