When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
