I think I won the penis lottery.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
