how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
