Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
