I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
