It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
