Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
