I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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