nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
