what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
