I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
