Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
