I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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