Im at strip club and am horny
She said her name was "party"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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