woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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