Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
