Already got asked if we're dating
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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