My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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