Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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