my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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