threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
