Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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