I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
