He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
