Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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