everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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