Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
