he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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