Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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