just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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