Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
