If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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